Divorce rates have soared over the past 25 years and probably anyone reading this newsletter knows at least 1 person who is or has been in a divorce situation. Nearly one third of all kids in this country experience a divorce in their family.  For many, there is a mistaken belief that the divorce process comes to an end when the judge orders a divorce decree and the parties sign it. This is simply not true. The process of divorce usually continues in a significant way for a few years and for some people, it continues on for years and years.  

The short-term reactions of children to divorce need to be broken down by developmental age groups. Pre-schools typically react with sadness, anger anxiety and regression. Boys will tend to be noisier and more disruptive and girls often become quiet and parent-like.  The anxiety will be manifested in separation fears, nightmares, resumption of thumb sucking or use of pacifier.

Divorce for school-age children is particularly difficult for 6-8 year olds, with boys being more distressed than girls. The primary feeling is sadness and quite often they feel rejected by the departing parent. These kids often get depressed, have low self esteem and feel they are responsible for the breakup. Usually there is a decline in school performance as preoccupation with the situation interferes with functioning. As school-aged kids get older, they start to exhibit more anger as a defense against their sadness, powerlessness, and fears. These kids will be disruptive in school and parents will complain that discipline has become impossible.

Adolescents due to their emotional and cognitive maturity are generally better equipped to cope with parental divorce. As their developmental stage dictates, they distance themselves from the situation by becoming more involved with friends, school, hobbies, or jobs. However, many teens feel betrayed and angry by their parents’ split up and also become worried about their future as the financial and life styles of their parents change as a result of the divorce. Some teens will also act out sexually or with alcohol and drugs as they see their parents re-enter the dating scene.

DIVORCE – SOME IMPORTANT DO’S & DON’TS           STEVE SUSSMAN PH.D.

 A common problem in divorces is that the parents undermine each other, particularly when it comes to the children.  Often, the parent who has custody feels that they are forced to instill daily discipline and limits whereas the parent with visitation gets to "have fun" with the kids on the weekends.  Likewise, the visitation parent resents the custodial parent giving them a list of things the children need to do such as homework, studying and errands during the limited time for the visit. Sometimes resentments build up between the parents and sabotaging occurs. Sabotaging can take the form of passive-aggressiveness (non-compliance with the other parent's wishes), subtle criticism (non-verbal expressions of disapproval of the other parent) or overt hostility.  If this occurs, the results are angry parents with insecure children who feel "guilty" over their conflicting feelings caused by being in the middle of the two parents.

Divorced couples need to realize that children may not understand genetics but they "know" they are half mommy and half daddy.  Criticizing, resenting and hating your ex-spouse hurts your child who feels you are rejecting a part of them as well.

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