The concept of joint custody works best only when the two parents are able to consistently cooperate and work together for the best interests of the children. All too often, divorced parents keep their anger and conflicts with their ex-spouse alive by using issues connected to the kids. It can range from not providing child support payments to openly bad-mouthing the other parent to opposing which doctor or a school a child uses to abuses of visitation. Edward Teyber in his award winning book, Helping Children Cope With Divorce (Jossey-Bass 1992) notes that those children who most poorly adjust to their parents divorce are those kids who remain in the middle of the parental conflicts. On the other hand, one third of the divorce kids adjust well because their parents have either gave up the struggle or kept their kids out of it. 

Chronic parental conflict (and this holds true for married couples also) results in increased anxieties, anger, depression, and acting out in children. Furthermore, it is a sign that the individuals are not accepting the divorce and are trying to keep the marital relationship alive. 

Teyber asserts that divorced parents can spare their kids the agony of constant conflicts by: 1) a strong internal resolve to stop such behavior, especially in front of the children; 2) developing signals with the ex-spouse that will terminate disagreements that are heading towards hostile conflict; and 3) developing effective communication skills that lead to productive discussion and avoid provocation. 

The keys to effective communication are: 1) develop a strategy to terminate angry discussions; 2) stick to one issue at a time; 3) keep the discussion to the parental dyad – leave out how Aunt Mary feels about it; 4) treat each other respectfully and avoid name calling; 5) stay emotionally and physically engaged until the discussion is ended or at least until you have given the other a chance to change their manner if they are breaking the discussion rules; 6) establish mutually acceptable times to talk and never when under the influence of drugs or alcohol; 7) listen attentively to the other’s position – listening does not mean agreeing; 8) do not play on the other’s insecurities or flashpoints; 9) limit comments to specific behaviors – do not use names or pejorative labels; and 10) accept responsibilities for your share of the problem. 

If ex’s can use these techniques, Teyber notes that most children can then go on to more successfully adjust to the parents divorce and their own changing lives.

When establishing a visitation schedule, try to keep it stable and consistent.

Use a calendar that the kids can access which clearly marks which days they are at which house, this is particularly useful for younger children.

Do not use kids as messengers for "adult" issues.

Do not use kids to get money from the other parent.

Refrain from name calling even when you hear your kids repeating statements the other has said about you.

You are allowed to have a life that even includes dating and relationships but do not involve your kids with new relationships until you are fairly certain the new relationship is committed and stable. Kids will often get quickly attached to new boy/girlfriends and do not need to suffer another loss if that relationship ends.

Kids have many feelings about the divorce and their parents and those feelings are often contradictory or ambivalent. Do not get overly upset when your kid is angry and says he hates you and wants to live with the other parent. This is more an expression of feelings that are occurring at the moment and while important is generally not the predominant feeling.

Do not overindulge or let your kids misbehave because you’re divorced and feel bad for them. This is true for grandparents also.